Not Just a List

A few of you may understand, but most of you will just have to nod your heads and make recurring "awww" noises. Or maybe "ewww" noises depending on how you're feeling today. Cranky maybe. But I hope not.

So.

I've had a lot of time to go over the qualities I wanted to have in a husband.
A lot.
I mean it's verging the ridiculousness of mambi-pambi land...

For instance, today.. drum roll.. is the FIFTH anniversary of my first date with Don. The man who, among other things, has above all taught me patience, and its true applications and virtues.

Would I, or should I, have known 5 years ago that I would be writing this blog 5 years from then? Unmarried, but certainly not unaltered? Redefining everything I thought I knew about love and ITS applications? Well..

Let's start from the beginning. The List of what I wanted in a husband; in all its glory. Created along the path of adolescent naiveté, and broken-hearted outlets. A bright red Phoenix rising from the ashes of the excruciatingly burning break-ups and goodbyes; And polished into finality with the unexpected clarity.. that came from surviving lost and let go, love. An iron-clad fortress. (Or so I resolved.)

They are in no particular order.


1. Strong - independently
2. Whatever strength I lack, he makes up for it
3. Love of God more than of us; Love of us more than of me; Love of me more than of himself
4. Honest and trustworthy above all consequences
5. Appreciates my voice, my talents, and my dreams. Beyond reason or measure.
6. My number one supporter, encourager, believer
7. Not too serious, but not too sarcastic or embarrassing
8. Dances with me - even if there's no music
9. Kindhearted, and generous towards others
10. Complimentary. Always.
11. Looks for the good in everyone, including himself
12. Tall (I mean he'd have to be.. right?)
13. Handsome
(I didn't say it wasn't at least a little shallow)
14. An amazing voice; to melt away the sadness
15. Passionate (This one is underlined. BOLDLY underlined.)
16. Athletic and healthy
17. FUN
18. Hard-working
19. Romantic. Hopelessly.
20. Treats me with respect, dignity, and delicacy
21. Sympathetic and caring
22. Patient, especially with me and my fragile, sensitive nature
23. Protective, providing "shelter from the storm"
24. Good with children. Having an equal love for them as I have.
25. TRUEST friend I've ever encountered
26. Real with me - true to himself
27. Returned missionary
28. Worthy of, and wanting a temple marriage. At all times.
29. Capable of keeping sacred covenants to the Lord
30. Realistic, from his heart
31. Original and creative. Loves to surprise me.
32. Holds himself well in an argument
33. Charming
34. Deep. On so many levels.
35. Patriotic. Love of country.
36. Intelligent, with a great desire for learning
37. Inquisitive. With an open heart.
38. Hungry for adventure.
39. Loves his family, especially his mother
40. Brings out the best in me. The truest form of me.
41. Repentant. Accountable. Willing to correct the wrong.
42. A morning person (so I don't have to be)
43. Holds and keeps a strong testimony
44. Humble
45.
(It's left blank intentionally. It will never really be complete or unchanged. A symbol of some sort I suppose.)

What started out as hopeful thinking, and pleasant dreams.. has over the years became more and more of a security blanket, and in some cases a shield! My way of keeping control over getting hurt again. As if, finding a man who was honest meant that he would never lie to me, or finding someone who was patient and kind-hearted, meant that he would never hurt me. But I'm starting to realize more and more than I'm not even sure if I KNOW what I want or need for myself.

Does this mean I'm throwing out the list?.. HEAVEN'S no. Have you SEEN that list? It's pretty much genius. Golden genius. But maybe it means I'm ready to be surprised by life and all its complexities.. and God and all his mysteries. I mean, I love Don BECAUSE of his tone-deaf nature. He can't sing a single note in its correct tune. And I couldn't live without it.

He's IN everything and LIVES everywhere inside my life, and inside my heart.

He's the ticket stubs in my wallet. Every single blue Jeep Cherokee that passes by. He's the song in my head, cuz he probably introduced me to it... He's the missed notes; for good measure. ;)
He's every summer day, the weekends and the holidays. He's college football (BYU). The color blue. The color orange. A grilled cheese sandwich; hundreds of them actually, and a cold glass of milk. He's Kirra cologne. My Dog Mazie. Fish Lake at sunset. He's the pictures in my camera. He IS my camera. He's December 2nd...

I know him. And every room in my house knows him. Here, and here, and here. And every chamber in my heart knows him. Here, and here, and here.

For reasons known only to the Gods, and perhaps on occasion myself, I absolutely love him. I love him wholly. and fully. and sometimes against better reason.

And I've loved him throughout. 5 years and counting (it was love at first sight). The ironic part?.... Even though I'm in a better place to accept love's struggle and forge through, uninterrupted.. stronger even...............; For me, that struggle has come in such an unexpected form: time. But I know that passion and patience have the same Latin root word and I have found both truth and solace in that.

*redundancy warning* or maybe I should be warning you of the gushiness you're about to step into. Either way you were warned*

i love him...
...because though he isn’t perfect, he is to me. If you had asked me what I wanted in a guy... what i needed... I might have shown you the list. But instead all I have to do is say his name.
...and it is a daily devotion. It is that hard — and that simple.


---------------
I hope sappy, romantic love letter writer is on Don's list... or I'm in big trouble.

Bucket List; 50 Fold

Alright. Here's the deal...
I'm going to die sometime. I'm almost 24 years old and I'm incredibly aware of my inevitable death. (We'll talk about this in another blog, or maybe my therapist and I can work it out later.. :) Anyway... starting to panic about the "have's" and "have not's" of my life.

So I did the only logical thing I could think of. I wrote a bucket list. It's pretty great.

And, as I was writing this list, I realized that I was able to cross an AWFUL lot of things off my figurative list when I went to Africa in 2008: Bungee jumping, rafting the Nile, seeing Africa, going on a safari, seeing the source of the Nile River, repelling down a 300 ft waterfall, volunteering in a third world country, living in another country, work in an orphanage... etc. I was also able to cross things off I could have never even KNOWN I wanted to add, like... delivering twins. (Who could forget THAT story?)

Anyway, I hope to be able to post as I cross them off, and create stories that I can take with me to the next life... satisfied with my current life and how I lived it. ENJOY!

1. Travel all over the world: Paris to explore the Louvre, back to London, Florida, back to Africa, Australia, the Caribbean, Hawaii, Scotland, Texas, Spain, Alaska, Dubai, Italy, Sweden, Japan with all its cherry blossoms, India, the middle of nowhere, somewhere GLORIOUS.......
2. Go heli-skiing
3. Make clay pigeon shooting a hobby
4. Volunteer more and in different ways
5. Learn to hang-glide and then GO
6. Get my photography website up and running
7.See and experience the northern lights, maybe in Finland
8. Get married in the temple
9. Buy a house
10. Start a family: Three girls, two boys
11. Go on a cruise, maybe the rock boat!
12. See a killer whale in their natural habitat
13. Start working out and eating better to achieve my ideal weight
14. Ride a gondola through the canals of Venice
15. Enter and win a photography contest
16. Go see Northern Idaho, Coeur d'Alene and Wallace, and ride the Hiawatha Bike Trail
17. See ALL 7 Wonders of the World
18. Attend the summer Olympics
19. Drive Highway 1
20. Teach a child to read
21. Go to Washington DC for the fourth of July
22. Buy a sail boat and learn to sail with the love of my life
23. See fireflies, and then be surrounded by them
24. Create a room I love that’s JUST FOR ME wherever I live someday
25. Own a cabin in the mountains, maybe McCall
26. Go outside for at least an hour everyday in the summer time
27. Write the novel I know I have inside me
28. Travel around San Francisco in a cable car
29. Host a costume party and have EVERY ONE of my friends attend
30. Make and keep more close friends
31. Sleep barefoot in a hammock
32. Fly in a hot air balloon
33. Take a pottery class
34. Have dinner on a rooftop outside, overlooking an entire city
35. Bury a time capsule with important memoirs in a secret location, and then open it 10 years later
36. Go on a scuba diving expedition in a WARM oceanic location; maybe the barrier reef in Australia
37. Get a bachelor’s degree in anything
38. Spend the day at a spa
39. Meet and shake hands with the President of the United States
40. Sit in the front row at a Broadway musical
41. Attend a fashion show
42. Fly first class
43. Have a "girl's night" with all my girlfriends where we all travel and meet in one place and enjoy each other… maybe make it an annual get together
44. Learn to ballroom dance
45. Plant a garden, and/or a tree
46. See the Broncos or Cougars go to National Championship and attend the game
47. Learn how to REALLY cook
48. Sit around a campfire with JUST my siblings and laugh, talk, cry, drink hot cocoa, eat wonderful food and love…
49. See every one of my blessings on my Patriarchal Blessing be given and then expounded upon
50. Put my name down to be a passenger on the first tourist shuttle to the moon

I want to encourage everyone reading this to make a list of their own. It's not set in stone, it's not like I can't add to my list as I cross things off, and it's not as if I'll feel like a failure if I DON'T accomplish all 50 endeavors. But... it's a start to my feeling fulfilled and well-lived. (If that's even a word) SO DO IT!